So the first thing you should know is that although I'm Australian, I don't sound anything like the late Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, and at no point in my life have I ever said "G'day", "Crikey!" or "Throw another shrimp on the baaarbie, maaayte!". Most people I talk to on the phone think I'm English at first, so that should probably help you in establishing a voice in your head as you read. That's important, no?
My name is Byron Bache. I live in Melbourne, a funny little town (roughly the size of Seattle) that you probably haven't heard of. Until January last year I lived in Sydney, which I'm sure you have heard of and right now in your head you can see the Sydney Opera House and Harbour Bridge on a clear summer day. I should probably tell you that although every single photograph of Sydney shows them in shot together, the only way you can see them both at the same time is from the middle of the ocean.
By day, I work in a library, though I am not now, nor have I ever been, a librarian. I have no future plans to become a librarian, but thank you for asking. By night (and at the weekend), I'm a poor struggling singer-songwriter, musical director and sometime actor. Also, I share my life with this wonderful man, who stays even though he knows just how insufferable I can be.
I become easily fascinated by words, often repeating them over and over like a child might. Some of my favourites include rumspringa, piffle and incontrovertible. I used to be afraid of chickens, but now I'm only afraid of moth wing-dust. I believe that respect does not come with age, but rather, is earned.
Things that I like include: not wearing shoes, watermelon, getting real letters in the post, Julianne Moore (and her gums), the ellipsis, buying (but not wearing) ties, airports, McDonald's cookies, mail-order catalogues, hyphenated surnames, charity singles, the old Fireman Sam theme song, Melanie from Degrassi Junior High, recreating scenes from Felicity in my head (with me playing Ben and/or Noel), the sound of a crowded restaurant, Dolly Parton's recording of Stairway To Heaven, the way Nigella Lawson pronounces the word "book", people who leave their newspapers behind on the train, and Sally Field.
Things that I dislike include: arrogance, people who use too many commas, celebrities who wear wigs despite having a full head of hair, hyphenated first names, the new Fireman Sam theme song, Kathleen from Degrassi Junior High, when C words are spelled with a K, hair extensions, indelicate use of personal pronouns, Scientology, people who say "Cheers, big ears!", the smell of Spray & Wipe, footless tights, Starburst, Skittles, people who make no effort to pronounce unusual or difficult names and words, children wearing Crocs, when perfectly good cakes are ruined with the addition of walnuts or almonds, Bono, and vegans.
